Puns

Subject: Three Puns
Date: Wed, 14 May 1997 21:03:17 -0700
#1: NOTED DOUGH BOY DIES
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.....
-Mickey Applebaum Infinite Joke List
#2: DOG PROBLEMS
A long time ago, in the city of Munich, the inhabitants were having a big problem. There was a massive increase in the number of dogs residing in the city. Not only were thousands of dogs, but they were BIG dogs.... real hounds to be exact. Anyway, the people of Munich bunched together and decided they would solve the problem by driving all the dogs out of the city and into the hills. So one day, they all grouped together and forced all the hounds out of the city and into the hills, thereby solving their problem. However, this action proved disastrous for the neighbouring town of Lieden. Lieden was a leader in the manufacturing of paper and the big paper mills provided work for many. As the hounds in the hills began to get hungry, they descended upon the small town of Lieden and were soon running a riot! All the shops were broken into as the dogs searched for food. As Lieden was much smaller than Munich, they didn't have the manpower to force the hounds out of the town and all the inhabitants decided to go to Munich and complain. As they were leaving their homes, suddenly a tremendous noise came from up on the hill, where the paper-mill was located. As all the residents were in the process of evacuating, they were puzzled as to who was running the mills. Suddenly, an old man spoke up, claiming he knew the answer. He took a deep breath and said....
"The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"
-David A. Rinke II
#3: AT THE PUB
Old Ted had been at the bar since the pub opened, downing pint after pint. As he watched the band manhandle their speakers onto the small platform that served for a stage, he swore quietly to himself. Bloody musicians: why did the landlord have to put this racket on every week? Couldn't a man drown his sorrows in peace of a Friday. Though to be fair, he thought, it wasn't every Friday that his wife left him. Just this particular one. Bloody musicians. He was in an even fouler mood by the time the band started. Five more pints of bitter had earned their name, and he swore at the singer as he staggered past to the toilets. Half an hour and eight songs later, the band paused. "Are there any requests?" said the singer. Half a dozen voices shouted out, including Ted's. "Play Yesterday, y'bastards," he shouted. The band conferred, and after a few moments started to play "Yesterday." Again, the band paused, and asked if there were any requests. This time, only Ted said anything. "Play Yesterday again," he called, a touch indistinctly. Slightly to his surprise, they did. A slightly shorter version, but "yesterday" nonetheless. Again, came the call for requests. For a second time, Ted was the only one to speak. For a third time, he asked for "Yesterday." "Now come on, mate," said the singer, "We've done that for you twice already." "Sing bloody Yesterday!" growled Ted. "We just have: twice," said the singer, and turned away. At this point, Ted snapped. "And you're bloody well going to sing it again," snarled Ted, as he picked up a bottle from the table, and made a lunge for the platform. He never reached the singer, though. First, he stumbled over a stool, then slipped in a pool of beer near the stage, and fell, knocking his head against the corner of the stage, and cracking his skull. All of which, of course, only goes to demonstrate the wisdom of the old proverb:
You should never fight the band that heeds you.
-Keith E. Sullivan Owner of Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List

Lyin' ain't harder than tellin' the truth,
And truth is the perfect disguise. -Kris Kristofferson